Why would you want to have a US keyboard? - Part 2

...so yes. Apple decided to relaunch their approach to a keyboard, got rid of the "let's make an antfarm display out of your dust, skin cells and spilled beer" design and got all sleek, sexy and made the keys all weird like the regular Macbook. After some cautious browsing, it turned out that Apple dropped the ball on the wireless front -no full-sized keyboard and I had to stick to the wired version. No problem there, I had used a wired Logitech keyboard since I got my Macbook, and I was pretty much comfortable with the risk of tripping over a wire and potentially using my Macbook as a very expensive projectile at that point.

However, the question loomed again.

Before even daring to walk into the maws of the ignorant Macstore blackshirts, I triple-checked the website. Not only did the dutch Apple site advertise the new keyboard in the US International layout, the online store had a plethora of different international layouts available, shipping in 24 hours.

Needless to say, the Macstore had nothing but the Dutch layouts on display. I felt in a very familiar place, but not in the right one.

I queried one of the blackshirts. He frowned, and asked what a US International layout was. I explained this. He just stared at me as if I asked him to hand over his liver, just for giggles. He then argued I might want to try the "regular" keyboard instead. I explained that, coming from the PC world (i.e. the other 95% of the world), I was far more comfortable calling the US International keyboard a "regular". he looked at me as if I wanted to buy a Mac with Windows Satan preinstalled, and told me he'd ask about this. After conversing with his colleagues in front of me, they had decided on their alibi: I was not allowed to buy one.

Excuse me?

I asked why this was the case. Apparently, I was not a US citizen and therefore not entitled to a US International keyboard. I argued that this was probably a mistake, since PC vendors had no trouble selling me a keyboard like that. They argued that my nationality barred me from having a foreign bank account (I wonder how expats handle that in his chain of logic) and that I would not be able to get one. I conceded that maybe the retail stores might work like that, but surely this was a strange policy if they offered the keyboard on the Dutch online Apple store. This was waved away with the statement that I'd be asked for a US account upon ordering, so his story was , in his lovely unicorn world, solid.

I left the store, vowing never to deal with their batshit insane logic again and left for another Mac store across town. This was another piece of comedy gold in the wait.

Since this store was a bit more off centre, the three employees were all behind the same cashiers' iMac, obviously bored out of their skulls. When I asked whether they could get me a US International version of the Apple keyboard, I was asked what that meant. I explained this to three expectant, glowing faces as if it were a bloody Christmas carol. They conceded there was a difference between my story and what they had on display, but again I was confronted with the question why I would want this.

I began to wonder if they clone people and raise them isolated from the real world in order to fill the workfloor over at the Mac stores, because being so ignorant about a common keyboard layout is bordering on insanity. It's like working in a hospital and not know how to diagnose death because you happen to work in physiotherapy.

I then tried the online stores of Mac retailers. The one that advertised with US International keyboards in stock took 10 minutes on the phone to conclude that the site was not up to date, so the keyboards were not in stock after all. You'd think online stores do not work like that. Again, I was asked why on earth I wanted a US International layout. I was assured that the other person on the phone was totally a fan of the "regular" layout and that I should just get that one.

After several botched attempts to buy a sane Apple keyboard like this, I tried ordering through the Dutch Apple store, where the promised 24h shipping became "at least a week" upon checkout. This was several weeks later -not to mention a week before my trip to Surinam would ensue.

What the hell Apple? I want a keyboard that is happily advertised on your website -even the dutch version of that site. Yet everywhere I go, I get the same old question: why would I want the layout that is the de-facto layout that you can get anywhere else in the Netherlands? I would love to be able to do this without people wearing your polos looking at me like I'm asking for a Swahili manual for Windows XP printed in dog's blood on a young girl's skin.

I tried the tax-evasive way by having a US citizen ship me one to Surinam. Turned out even the shady way was not practical -the keyboard would probably arrive five weeks after I'd have left the country.

Fun fact: I can get a US International keyboard several minutes from here. It just won't be an Apple keyboard. Apple doesn't cover Surinam -both in sales and Applecare.

Why would you want to have a US keyboard?

I wish I was joking, but yes... this was asked more often than not at all. Apparently, as somebody who does not live in the United States, I am not allowed to get my hands on the US International layout if I want to type on an Apple keyboard.

I may seemed harsh on Macstore employees previously, so I'll start and elaborate on the last beef I had with the collective retail force of Apple. Maybe this may sound familar.

One of the few reasonable people in a black shirt was the one who ordered my MBP. At that point I already had expressed the preference for a US International keyboard layout. I had noticed that the store only displayed models with a modified Dutch layout that I had no desire for. This had caused all of the employees I spoke with to look at me like I had a tentacle growing where my mouth used to be, right before that oddball question I uttered.

People who wonder what an US International keyboard looks like, I present a promotional shot from the Apple Keyboard. For some minor alterations here and there, it's like any default keyboard you can get from any other computer vendor, even in the Netherlands.

However, Apple won't sell you one. Not without a pantomine of the trivia-challenged, at least.

Buying the Macbook Pro

So yes, the friendly Macstore guy did ask me why I even wanted a US layout on my laptop. I told him why, explained the difference (he didn't know there was any) and he looked up how much time that would take. Turns out it could be anywhere between two to five weeks. I had three (until my holidays in Finland), so I was somewhat taken aback by the rough estimate. He then did a pretty neat thing: he ordered my preferred model in both the Dutch and US layout. The Dutch version would arrive in mere days and could serve as a backup if the US wouldn't arrive in time. He suggested that at a small fee, they could replace the Dutch layout with a spare part US keyboard, making it possible to obtain the right layout -only the manual and box would be dutch, which quite frankly, I couln't care less about. That keyboard, as a spare part, would be arriving in a couple of days. He assured me he'd get rid of either model, or just ship it back. No trouble at all.

Humbled by the good-natured service, I asked what the markup would be for that keyboard swap. He then told me that tech support had shut down for the evening, so a precise estimate would be impossible. He hazarded they'd charge me for the part and 15 minutes of service, but encouraged me to call in the morning to get the right numbers.

The next morning, I called the store. I explained the scenario to the tech guy. He asked why I would want a US layout. I explained that I was used to the US International layout, to which he answered he never had any trouble with the Dutch layout. I told him I was happy he could get along with it, but I had no desire to do so.

He then needed to look up the price for this, which took seven minutes. He didn't have his computer turned on. Why this had to take five minutes was a mystery, but I'm not the one who installed the machines in a Macstore.

After some on-hold moments after the computer was booted up, he told me the part was €150. Okay, that's double the price of what Ebay sellers net for it, but I wanted this to stay in warranty, so I agreed and asked for a time estimate. "At least three weeks, I'm afraid".

I told him I would think about this. I could do this as an after-sales thing if the situation was dire, but I stuck to the hopes that the MBP with the US layout would arrive on time.

A week later a message arrived. The US version had arrived at the store. I was elated and called the store about picking it up. After a confused shuffle of orders I got the news: this was not, in fact, the US version. It was the Dutch version. Again, I got asked why I wanted a US International layout. I guess the tentacle was audible through the phone. After I explained my preference I was assured that the guy I was talking to had no problems with the Dutch version. He only failed to point out I was weird in so many words.

After the weekend I decided I'd just swallow my pride, get the Dutch version and try to get it amended later. At the store, there was minor confusion about the double order (the friendly guy apparently only worked evenings and weekends, so I was SOOL). It should come as no surprise that the guy processing my order had never heard of anybody wanting a US International layout, and he assured me he thought the Dutch layout was perfect. By this time I hoped that if these people ever got banished to Hell for any reason, that the Apple keyboards would all be Dvorak.

So I spent a lot of time using a Logitech UltraX keyboard for my typing duties, until the Apple Keyboard got a delicious, slim overhaul...

Being a switcher

A lot of Mac switchers who drank the Jobs Koolaid tend to have a several-months interval before reflecting on the before-after horseplay. I intended to do it after three months, meaning I'd have to sign on to the Magical Mystery Tour on octboer 10th, but at that point I lacked the spine to blog, plus I was busy.

So it goes: I've been a Switcher for nearly four months now, and the effects are disturbing.

It should go without no introduction that I have never been much of an Apple fanboy. I loathed the machines during my stay at the academy of arts, I stayed around for the funeral around, give or take, 1997 right before Steve jobs took control of the complicated clown car accident that was Apple Computer Inc. at the time. Then I kept a lopsided, skeptical eye at what it has become right now.

I planned to jumped ship after the switch to Intel architecture, which gradually gave us Boot Camp, better bangs per buck and the promise of one hell of a hardware & software combo. I waited a while, since ATI hardware has lost my fancy after tanking 9700 Pro cards (right outside the warranty), weird X1600 performance and the fact that Linux and ATI never really managed to play in a non-volatile way.

Because yes, I went into that Mac store with black-shirted morons for a laptop that had enough GPU horsepower to suit me, and run three different Operating Systems -including Linux. I could get a laptop with a more dinky feel with two out of three for a fraction of the price, but I really wanted the unholy trinity and a laptop that looked like the designers actually gave a damn about how their product would turn out to be.

Take note that I do call the Store employees morons because honestly, when you talk to the regular Macstore employee, it would appear that the most important asset to the job is being able to fit your ham-sized neck through an L-sized Apple shirt. I've never heard such horseshit about such a limited line of hardware. One would think they could memorize at least a few facts about the few types of keyboards, mice and computers in the goddamn store. No such luck. I was baffled at the utter lack of information they could sling at me.

The first knee-jerk reaction was to install the Boot Camp beta and make sure Windows was there. Two weeks later, save for Corel Draw X3, I had all but dropped Windows. Most of the stuff can be done through Parallels and only for demos I tend to drop back to Boot Camp. It's astonishing how much I enjoy the OS X part of my laptop.

A stern object lesson in how much Windows lacks elegance you take for granted in OS X was the switching between being on the road (just the laptop) and returning home. I have a desk with a Dell 24" display and a bunch of devices, including a simple usb hub, mouse and keyboard. OS X just goes on to business and introduces me with the display and the added usb mayhem as if it's yesterday evening. Windows lets me do the "I'm installing stuff" dance again and forces me to spend time to reconfigure my displays to operate properly. Just because I was naive enough to use my laptop on the road. I can think of better things to do when coming home.

A lot of the other stuff pleases me too, but this sticks out like a sore thumb. Linux and OSX have absolutely no trouble with my dynamic setup. The only things that stop me from using Windows are my unholy love for Corel Draw, Picasa not being OSX native yet and the bizarre joy I get from using Jeskola Buzz.

Other than that, this is a platform I thoroughly enjoy handing a kidney, arm and limb for. Let's see if the novelty wears off.